By V. Kanthaiya –
I read your blog post on Colombo Telegraph. It was quite saddening to know that they have removed you from your national rugby team captaincy and dropped you out from the team itself.
As a courtesy, let me introduce myself. I am V Kanthaiya, born in 1986, same year you were born. I did my best to find your email address and I couldn’t. I have a strange habit. Suppose I can’t find the address or email address of persons I want to communicate, I send that to Colombo Telegraph (CT). You may think this is utter stupidity, but it really works. Take this recent example. I wanted to send a letter of appreciation to Dr. Dayan Jayatilleka (Dr D J), and could n’t find his address. So I sent it to CT and they published it on their website. I got only a small note from Dr. D J in acceptance of my appreciation. But unexpectedly, I got a lengthy reply from HLD Mahindapala sir (HLD M), a veteran Journalist and a true Sri Lankan patriot settled in Australia. Presently, myself and HLD M are in the process of understanding each other through “constructive criticism”, however HLD M and the Donkey I have found that they have the same views about the motherland, race, religion and caste and became good friends. I believe this is well enough to describe me.
This is the reason I send this Email to you. Don’t worry about being dropped out from the national rugby team. With respect, I invite you to join our one ‘bum’ cricket team in Soysapura. I also request you to bring your other two brothers, because we are running short of team members. I am also compelled to inform you with due respect that we will not be able to accept your father, Mahinda Rajapaksa into our team as there is a general gossip in our area that even if he is clean bowled, he won’t accept it and will try to keep on batting. Therefore our team members are not willing to take him into the team.
Presently our cricket team has only four members, excluding me. Two are from my office. One is named Parthi. This guy is a damn liar. When you meet him first, he will introduce himself as an Assistant Accountant working on Management Reports of projects under construction. Actually he is an Accounts Assistant working on preparing payments to the suppliers. The other one is Ayush. This guy is even worse. He is an expert in lying. He is working on procurements and deals with the suppliers extensively. I will depict you how he usually deals with the supplier calling for a payment long overdue.
Generally the supplier will call Ayush’s land line number. Ayush will not pick up the phone. After some time, the supplier will call Ayush’s mobile phone and this will be Ayush’s reply. “Machang, today I am on leave, staying home. Got severe loose-motion. Gone seven times so far. In fact I have prepared the payment voucher and forwarded it to our manager for approval. Seems it is on his table. Tomorrow is Tuesday. As per our company policy our Director will not sign any cheque on Tuesdays. But don’t worry. Tomorrow, when I go to office, as the first thing, I will take your payment voucher with me and meet our manager and get the approval and then will directly meet the director and tell him, we need to make the payment to this supplier immediately because they have given us awesome discounts, and also it’s long overdue”. The supplier will have no other option, other than calling Ayush the next day.
During this telephone conversation, all the staff in our department would keep silence and there won’t be any background noise. While Ayush talking, Parthi will imitate a baby crying in order to make the supplier believe that Ayush is really at home with his kid.
Hold on! This is not the worst thing these guys do to the supplier. Next day, when the supplier calls, Ayush will deal with him like this. “Extremely sorry Machang! I personally went and talked to the manager and got the payment approved. The problem is getting our director’s signature on the cheque. He has gone for a business trip to Thailand, and will be back, just in two weeks time. So we need to wait till then’.
Generally most of the people find it difficult to deal with Parthi and Ayush. However I believe it won’t be difficult to you as you have excellent experience dealing with Comrade Wimal Weerawansa, Mahindananda Aluthgamage and Udaya Gammanpila.
The other two members of the team are two kids studying in the nearby school. These kids hardly have time to play one bum cricket as they are always busy with their tuition classes. They are very good cricket players with a very bad mouth. Given you miss a catch; they would give their valuable comments about your mother’s chastity. Anyway, I believe you have learnt to live that kind of comments after the presidential election.
These are the general rules of one ‘bum’ cricket.
- The game will be played with in the team, not against another team.
- Everyone will be given the opportunity to bat, till they get out.
- The highest scorer wins the match
- Catches with one bounce are accepted. Any catches more than one bounce will not be accepted.
- Soysapura ground is a very big ground. However boundaries of ‘our ground’ are the foot path on the north, drainage canal on the east, road on the south and the brown color cow tied to the light post on the west.
- You can hit the ball on the leg-side only. No runs for off-side.
- No LBW.
- Bowling method – You have to stand still and throw the ball with one bounce.
- If you miss to hit the ball more than three times, you are out.
- Once you get ‘out’, you can’t leave. You have to do the fielding till everyone finishes batting.
- If you hit the ball outside the boundary and if it gets lost, you need to give us a new ball.
- You should not create any new rule during the game.
Hope you find these rules acceptable. You have a great potential to become a great ‘one bum cricket‘player in the world, because there aren’t many in the world now. I am sure your father will become president again, with the help of comrade Wimal, Udaya Gammanpila and Dinesh Gunawardena. Once he becomes the president again, we need to make the ‘one bum cricket’ our national sport. I like to see you becoming the captain of our national ‘one bum cricket’ team in the future and your brother Yoshitha, the vice captain. I am sure you will take me in to the national ‘one bum cricket team’ at that time. I don’t need much favour. My kind request is to give me the opportunity to bat, because when I was a kid what I was doing in every cricket match is fielding. Nobody gave me the opportunity to bat or bowl.
All our cricket team members are looking to meet you and your brothers this Saturday evening in the Soysapura Grounds.
With lots of excitement,
P.S – Some people will ask you to join their ‘Book Cricket’ team, but remember only girls play ‘Book Cricket’. Also don’t forget to bring two balls when you come to Soysapura Grounds on this Saturday evening.
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