Colombo Telegraph

Heartbreaking News From Kekirilanthaya

By Sudat Pasqual

Sudat Pasqual

1. President Sirisena has issued a Presidential Fatwa to halt all paper recycling in Sri Lanka and the Maldives till all real and imaginary missing government files since 2005 have been traced. When told that Maldives was not a colony of Sri Lanka, the President has thrown a temper tantrum and summoned the commanders of the armed forces for an explanation.

2. Furious to be told that Sri Lanka did not own the Maldives, President Sirisena has filed a grievance against the government of the Maldives in the Hague demanding Maldives to justify their need to hold on to all 1200 odd islands in the chain. According to President Sirisena the Maldives has more islands than McDonald’s has outlets in Asia.

3. Maldives will donate 12 out of 1200 islands to President Sirisena as a gesture of goodwill. In return, President Sirisena has promised to ban the use of DDT on vegetables.

4. President of Maldives will become a member of Sri Lanka’s cabinet.

5. The new Minister of Finance Joseph K aka Ravi K has declared that SATHOSA will be merged with the Sunday Leader. The Minister also vowed to do to the economy what he did to SATHOSA.

6. The Prime Minister has decided to create a Ministry for Creative and Imaginary Vengeance. He explained that there was way too much manpower wasted with every Dissanayake, Ramanayake and Senasinghe running around like headless chickens looking for smoking Rajapaksas under everyone’s sarong and saree. He has appointed MP’s Sherlock Hadunhetti and Watson Senasinghe to spearhead the search for imaginary files and almost true crimes of passion

7. All 10 members of the Global Tamil Forum (GTF) have unanimously decided to declare January 9 as “Today we are all Sinhalese Buddhist Chauvinist Pigs Day” In a retaliatory move the 3 human like forms of the BBS and the 4 emoticon members unanimously decided to declare the same day as “Over our dead Emoticon Body and Form Day.”

8. The newly formed Sri Lankan government has announced that white vans will be immediately replaced by 30 seat buses to carry out the same duties in order to reduce overheads. This act is estimated save approximately Rs.1 million per abductee. The abductees will also be given a simple diet of hoppers as their last meal (one meal per abductee).

9. Criminal Investigations Department (CID) sleuths have discovered that Namal Rajapakse was called “Baba” because of his fondness for Haitian sociopath Baby Doc Duvalier.

10. The Government has announced that it will take up the trivial matter or governing the country once the 100 days of imaginative speculation and wild accusations are done with.

11. Government of Sri Lanka (GOSL) has been forced to look outside the country to find eminent and honest people to man the 10,000 commissions of inquiry to be established in the first 100 days of the Just Society program. President Sirisena explained that most of the eminent Sri Lankans are not honest and most of the honest ones are not eminent. Bloody hell, he said.

12. The United National Party has informed the Speaker that they have donated Palitha Thewarrapperuma to the Sri Lanka Freedom Party as an act of goodwill. Top of Form

*Sudat Pasqual is the Incompetent Authority on Irreverent Irrelevant Implausible News, Kekirilanthaya

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