By Shyamon Jayasinghe –
Sri Lanka’s former President Mahinda Rajapaksa, with a grant from the yahapalanaya government took flight to Uganda a few days ago for its President Museveni’s fifth installation as President. While Mahinda was hanging around the palace waiting for the Palace guard to escort him, he confronted a young man named Boko- servant of the palace.
Boko: Are..you are the President of Sri Lanka, Sir. I recognised you with that red thing round the neck. We are most honoured to see you, your Excellency
Mahinda: eh..eh.. not exactly the President now. I handed over to my friend, Sira, but he lets me do what I want. I still run the show.
Boko: Oh! so in your country Presidents change?
Mahinda: Why not? We are a five star democracy. I actually made it six stars. We are the best in the world, my friend
Boko: In my case I was born 26 years ago but never saw any President other than our leader, Lord Museveni.
Mahinda: Ah? (Thinking) Really… he managed that long?
Boko: Some say he really lost this time. Anyway, the opposing candidate is now in jail. Good for Uganda.
Mahinda: Jailed for opposing?
Boko: No he was involved in a foreign conspiracy to oust our leader, along with NGOs. America and England behind this.
Museveni: Oh! My good friend, Mahinda Rajapaksa! I knew you will accept our invitation. Good you came. I wanted to have a chat with you. Not like just telephoning. Tell me what really happened to you?
Mahinda: I won the majority of votes anyhow
Museveni: But, then how?
Mahinda: No, it was the majority of the majority
Museveni: But I thought you were like King there with all the people worshipping you. I heard that song also and got it translated. Boosil made me understand that nobody can ever oust you
Mahinda: Yes, I am still very popular. (Shows picture) See the crowds coming to hear me. Like this everywhere.
Mahinda: Western conspiracy-nothing else. Present man used to take orders from me saying,”Yes sir,Yes Sir.” But Western powers-you know America?
Museveni: (Angry, alights from his seat) America! Don’t mention that country. Bastards!
Mahinda: Yes, I gave America tight and now they are angry with me. They paid money to Sira and he undercut me and became the common candidate to oppose me. Sira ate hoppers with me for dinner the previous night and quietly crossed over in the morning. That’s what happened. But, Musa, how have you managed ..now for the fifth time..tell me …will you, please?
Museveni: Your fault you promised to consult me in your third year but never did that. Other strong men became more important for you.
Mahinda: Pardon me. Not really that….
Museveni: Did you not change the constitution to make it flexible so that you can contest over and over again? What an idiotic constitution you had.
Mahinda: Why not? Your Kasungo advised me and I brought the 18th Amendment. Then I can continue.
Museveni: What did you do to that Chief Justice woman? You know women can be dangerous?
Mahinda: Ah! We managed to impeach her and send her packing.
Museveni: Did you not send some annoyers to heaven?
Mahinda: Yes, why not I despatched them and my police said it were accidents.
Museveni: Shut the online annoyance?
Mahinda: Yes, I did that also. Number of sites banned
Museveni: Did you not keep your ministers with you by giving them contracts in their areas?
Mahinda: Did just that.
Musaveni: I’ll give you a good example of what I did recently. Listen to this story: In Kikyusa, a mud-street town, there was a Community Welfare Organisation that was in the habit of encouraging villagers to make complaints about bad government services. Some used to complain that Police were taking bribes to settle disputes, some said the local Councillor used to rape young girls. Some even started complaining against me – saying I was staying too long. What happened when the Secretary of the organisation came to extend registration my officers said they must think about it. One fine day the Secretary himself was missing. No more complaints after that.
Mahinda: I also had the white van for that. Only thing these HR rascals did not allow me freedom to do that and end the nonsense.
Museveni: But now? What are your plans?
Mahinda: Still trying hard with my troops in Parliament – you know those MPs…foolish fellows.. but they back me. I might do a coup like you did for old Idi Amin? The economy is going to come down soon because they cannot pay the debts I took from the Chou Chou fellows. I keep putting the blame on Sira’s government for all the ills done by my fellows. Can you help me – after all we are thick buddies?
Museveni: You know.. to be quite frank…I must look for some contracts for myself from your Sira’s team.
Mahinda: They won’t. They are yahapalanaya
Museveni: Who does not want money, my old President pal? Tell me?