12 November, 2019

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News From 2025 Presidential Election

By Ramanee Goonewardene

Polling started at midnight. 

The first vote was cast by the President at the polling station next to his ancestral home in the newly consecrated capital city of our great motherland.

The President arrived at the polling station at the auspicious time of 11.11 pm. On his arrival, he was greeted by the members of the National Election Commission, the National Astrological Commission, the National Collective of Professionals in Divine Arts, the commanders of the tri-forces and the inspector-general of the police. Religious leaders of all faiths also graced the occasion. Saffron robes and red hats mixed with god-men in skull necklaces and officials in ties. 

A group of students representing all communities sang the new national anthem, Hail Our Hero who labours for the Motherland.

A simple ceremony to invoke blessings on the President and our motherland followed. The ceremony was symbolic of the President’s 2019 promise to marry tradition with technology. Piety and excitement filled the air as religious leaders chanted and prayed and practitioners of Divine Arts invoked charms against the enemies of our motherland. Holographic technology was used to beam it to every corner of the island, every polling station and home. 

The ceremony ended at 11.54 pm. 

The Chairman of the National Astrologers Commission presented a lotus bud handcrafted in gold to the President at 11.56 pm.

The chairman of the National Election Commission presented the ballot paper to the President at 11.58 pm.

The President cast his vote at midnight.

**

The National Astrological Commission had proclaimed 50 to be the optimum number of candidates for the 2025 President Election. 53 candidates indicated their intention of entering the fray by paying deposits. 

Two candidates were arrested on charges of aiding terrorism as they emerged from the Election Commission Office after paying their deposits. One died in a road accident the same night. 

Fifty candidates handed over nominations.

Forty nine candidates issued a public appeal begging the President to allow them to use their candidacy to strengthen his hands.

The President gave his contest with his usual graciousness.

The President introduced several novel methods of campaigning. In the 2019 election, he had invited voters to have tea with him. During this campaign, he took the concept further. The new practices included At Home with the President, Sing-along with the President, and An evening elephants, sharks and a Swiss dog. Lucky participants were picked via lotteries. 

No incidents of violence or violations were reported during the campaign. 

**

All observers agreed that the 2025 Presidential election was the most peaceful in the history of our resplendent isle, which is also the wonder of the world. A carnival atmosphere prevailed throughout the polling hours which ended at 10.23 am the following day. The times were set by the National Election Commission as per the decrees of the National Astrological Commission. 

People waited in patient lines outside polling stations across the country until voting commenced. Members of the Gods-Men Brigades, and undergraduate students of the National University of Divine Arts attended to the physical and spiritual needs of the voters, providing them with comfort foods and warm beverages, amulets, talismans, and fortune-telling, all free.  

In accordance with the President’s commitment to transparency, voting was done in the open. “Voting is the greatest democratic right and patriotic duty of a citizen,” the President has declared after he added the Democracy dies in darkness clause to the Constitution which mandated open and compulsory voting. “It is not an act of shame to be done in secret, hidden from all eyes but those of the voter. It should be performed with pride and openness.” 

In 2024, the parliament unanimously approved a law that added voting to the Patriotic Credit System introduced by the President in 2022. The law decreed that those who failed to cast their votes be declared as non-citizens and denied the right to higher education, government employment, public transportation, home ownership, bank loans, as well as the use of social media. 

The expanded National Security Council (which now includes the Astrologer National and Exorcist National) had ensured that all polling stations were provided with face-identification technology. Members of the Gods-Men Brigade paid courtesy calls on all homes and encouraged voters to perform their patriotic and democratic duty on the day of the election.

The Election proved the popularity of the new voting method. Voter after voter held up marked polling cards to the cameras with pride. Many voters had to be politely discouraged from reciting poems and making speeches in praise of the President.

Soon after the polling closed at the auspicious hour, the Election Commission announced that every single registered voter had voted.

The first result was announced two hours after the polls closed. The final result came six hours later. 16,951,045 had cast their votes. Of that 17,189,250 had voted for the president. There were no spoilt votes. 

Members of the National Election Commission presented the results to the President as he was about to name the elliptical highway circling our island nation after his elder brother, the late Universal Leader. Participating in this solemn ceremony were religious leaders, the members of the Astrological Commission, members of the Collective of Divine Arts Professionals, members of the upper judiciary, tri-forces commanders and the IGP, heads of all media institutions, heads of all professional associations and other dignitaries.

The President celebrated his victory by laying wreaths at the gold-and-marble tombs of his three brothers and his three nephews. He also granted a full amnesty to all those imprisoned on charges of terrorism in the aftermath of the evil uprising jointly conducted by red terrorists, blue terrorists, green terrorists, religious terrorists, racist terrorists, military terrorists, bureaucratic terrorists, judicial terrorists, media terrorists, student terrorists, slum-dwelling terrorists and others. 

The released prisoners were brought to meet the president at their own request in 15,201 buses. After a meal consisting of traditional sweetmeats and tea, he advised them to forget the past, and ask the future. 

They hailed this sage advice in one voice, before proceeding to take the Oath of Loyalty to the President of our Democratic Socialist Republic. 

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Latest comments

  • 37
    46

    Someone should save this example of Rajapakse phobia until 2025 and rre post it then. The problem here us not the Former president and his family but the hate that lives in their opponents whose sorry asses were saved by winning the war.

    • 22
      25

      Hatred for Rajapaksa’s now morphed in to a full blown derangement for people who dislike them in Sri Lanka. Sri Lankans talk and boast of the countries history and its advance culture . It has become Hitler comparison to denigrate people is a world wide phenomena in the modern social media environment. Is anyone surprise why the world is so hatefully.

      • 8
        1

        Whatever the politics (with which I agree), this is a great piece of writing. It clearly shows which direction this country is taking, astrology and all.
        Where has Ramanee been hiding all these days? She deserves at least the igNobel prize for literature.

    • 16
      3

      At this juncture, Sinhalese people are bombarded with two fear mongering propaganda by Rajapakse group. One is Sajith signed an agreement with TNA and Muslim Congress to divide the Sinhalese Buddhist country. Other one is Sajith agreed to sell Srilanka to America. Sinhalese people have no time to think about who is Gota or Who is Sajith?
      Gota was a American citizen. He claims that he gave up American citizenship before the nomination. So far nobody knows the truth because his name was not there in the list of Americans who gave up their American citizenship. So far no body knows whether the whole family gave up the American citizenship or not and what happened to their assets in USA. We will only know the truth if he looses this election. Do we know what sort of relationship Srilanka will have with USA and Western nations under Gota presidency?
      What is the position of Gotabaya regarding the special status to Buddhism and Buddhist Fundamentalists like BBS, Weerawansa and Gammanpila if he is decide to take action against Fundamentalist organisation?

    • 9
      1

      Our country is a wonderland.
      :
      There are prmafacie evidence to prove former President is a murderer.
      :
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wYdIByTM-hshttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wYdIByTM-hshttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wYdIByTM-hshttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wYdIByTM-hshttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wYdIByTM-hs
      :
      But why does not the prevailing law react on him ? Why should former President have special rights to escape from being investigated ?

    • 4
      1

      Ramanee Goonewardene,

      RE: 2025 Election

      Let’s focus on the 2019 election , so that the people do not have to deal with Gotlier and the Rajapaksa Mafiaso.

      http://www.dailymirror.lk/breaking_news/CBK-Welgama-endorse-Sajith/108-177324

      Former President and senior patron of the SLFP, Chandrika Kumaratunga and SLFP stalwart and former Minister Kumara Welgama made a fervent appeal to SLFP voters today not to vote for the SLPP candidate Gotabhaya Rajapaksa and use their vote discreetly and wisely if they want to save the nation, the country and the party.

      Mrs. Kumaratunga addressing a heavily attended SLFP gathering under the theme ‘We Sri Lanka’ last afternoon at the Sugathadasa Indoor Stadium said the SLFP has been disintegrated into several factions and party supporters, members and voters did not have a direction and vision and added the rot started by the chairman in 2015 and the fragmentation completed by the General Secretary in 2019.

      The 95% of SLFPers wanted the Chairman of the party (President Maithripala Sirisena) to contest. Almost all the members of the policy making body of the party, the Central Committee also endorsed his candidacy but ultimately the SLFP joined with the SLPP. But when a crucial decision like this is taken, we must have a good review of the situation and the people with whom we are going to deal with. I faced this problem in 1994 when I contested the PC polls.

    • 10
      0

      Winning a war doesn’t make one a good person…maybe a hero to some..two different things..don’t confuse the two

    • 2
      9

      Vanguard

      As a matter of fact

      Just another unsuccessful attempt to create a phobia, probably seeing the approaching humiliations.

      Sad to say the attempted yoker is a full toss to send over the rope for our wise electorate.

  • 27
    35

    Ramanee
    What sort of a disgusting moron are you? have you ever read any thing about Hitler and Holocaust.If you dislike GR fine put your point of view forcefully. But then again some people cant be help its must be in long line in your gene pool.
    “Insecure people put others down to raise themselves up.”
    – Habeeb Akande

  • 35
    2

    Too sad. How did the three nephews die? in racing car accidents or in rugger fields?

    • 35
      10

      Excellent article and only thing wrong is the same scenario will emerge every 5 yrs. There will be Gota & MR family dictatorship for 50 yrs. Remember how they removed the Chief Justice, How Gota evaded courts giving medical certificates, How Judges refused to hear cases due to fear. How IGP and Senior Govt servants juzst became scared.
      This clan will fix the entire system. Supreme court for 50 yrs will be theirs. Elrections Commissioner, Tri forces commanders all will be fixed.
      A managed autocracy.
      Only silver lining- if like in Nepal Royal family – there is a fued and all get killed or future JVP type uprising.
      Lets pray for that.

      • 4
        0

        Yes let us pray earnestly

  • 20
    29

    Ramanee, if you had written something like this about the President during the Premadasa era you would have disappeared. Google Richard de Zoysa for an example of what happened.

    • 5
      1

      Two wrongs do not make a right.

  • 28
    2

    It’s fun to read!
    I love iconoclasm.

    • 1
      5

      EW Golding

      But somewhat nauseating in the context.

      People who left will restart to love Gota..

  • 12
    4

    Sajith has a very , very Unique Unitary System of a Constitution.
    Though I am not happy completely that he has totally rejected even considering any form of fedralism , yet his unique administration vision under unitary system may work .
    lets hope .

  • 3
    6

    Some presidential candidates are talking about power sharing and power devolution. I do not thunk such candidates are suitable to be president as the most imnportant is good living standards for people and not power sharing for politicians. WE do not need a DUMB and STUPID president.

  • 9
    3

    We are left with 12 days to make these type of fune. After that god knows whether white van will be there if we dare to write and make comments.

  • 5
    9

    People in Sri Lanka voted MR to come to the power twice. He did not come to power from a illegal way. People voted him out in 2015. It look like majority of people want GOTA now. If GOTA will be president on 16th that means it is peoples’ wish.

    • 1
      8

      People have 2 choices, 1st AKD, 2nd Gota or vice versa.

      Poor Sajith 3rd.

      UNPers awake now unless it’ll be too late.

      If you’re dead against Gota divert to AKD & make him the 1st; @ least to make Gota 2nd.

      • 1
        0

        ” @ least to make Gota” – Good try.

  • 6
    11

    According to Jane’s Information Group, between 1980 and 2000, the LTTE carried out 168 suicide attacks against civilian, economic and military targets. That is an average of 14 attacks per year, or more than 1 suicide attack every month of the year for 20 years. This shows you how fanatical the LTTE was. To ensure their defeat, only a military solution was possible. Other than JR, only the Rajapakse government was ready to use all resources to crush the terror threat. Some people foolishly assume GR will use similar tactics to run the country. Unlike in the military, in politics there is more room for diplomacy. GR has already cut deals with Ranil and the Muslims. He wants to forget the past and focus on the future. This is a good beginning. Tamils are foolishly throwing their weight behind Sajith, just like they foolishly supported Sarath Fonseka in the 2010 election. There is an applicable saying in English, “sleep with dogs, wake up with fleas.”

    • 3
      1

      Oh naivety!

    • 1
      6

      There is a typo here, it should read: “or at least 1 suicide attack every month of the year for 20 years.”

  • 5
    9

    Prostitutes propagating hate with out proper recourse.. I know your family well and it will be a sorry saga if you go to this level to denigrate citizens who done great service to the country.
    ramanee will be nothing but hate mongers with out proper debate. We will not forget you……

  • 2
    0

    With appropriate amendments and subtleties what the writer visualizers or imagines is true to a great extent. If the writer aimed at one candidate in the 2019 elections then he/she is partly right. This is true for BOTH the main candidates. Any given weakness shown by one candidate in the open is in the other but not shown in the open. Take election expenses of them published by various organizations. There is a lot more hidden expenses. For instance, say the expenses of a pre-approved handbill of a given candidate can be borne by a third party and it will not be a surprise to find that the order to prepare and print was given by such third party. They cannot be accounted for as expenses. I foresee the emergence of a dark age.

  • 1
    6

    Now I am getting a bit of confidence that Nandasena may pull it off.

    The reason is Dr Kumar, Dr Alwis and Dr Lacksiri’s fav ,JVP Prince Anura;s Kotte mate Bimal’s statement to the Media yesterday.-

    Mr Bimal Rathnayaka has said that there are 60 plus UNP MPs who are ready to jump to form a new government after the 17th.
    Bimal further said he got this information from Heavy Minister in Dr Ranil’s Faction.

    I am sure this can’t be small talk coming from a well respected JVP MP .

    Even his Boss Anura Kumara has said that Keselwatta Kid have no option other than to work with the same crooks who stuffed up the Country.
    That is if Keselwatta Kid scores on the 16th. of course…..

    • 5
      3

      KASmaalam K.A. Sumanasekera

      How are you going to celebrate 18 November 2019?

  • 11
    3

    Srilankan Voters, be aware of the THREE HORSEMEN OF APOCALYPSE (Mara, Sira & Gota) they have already unleashed their distructive forces, in October 2018, April 2019 Easter bombing, we are awaiting for the biggest Horror in 2020 (Mother of all Horrors). Donkeys, Buffalos & Slaves think before you cast your valuable vote.

  • 7
    3

    Today CBK, Welgama and Sajin came out and confirmed what Ramanee has speculated. Sajin says he worked for Rajapaksas for more than 17 years and now they have threatened to kill him and his family.for supporting Sajith. He has lodged police complaint. Chandrika in the official SLFP conference told about GR involvement in murders, Basil involvement in corruption and Mahinda the “mother of all crooks”. Welgama confirmed the same about Gotha. Rajapaksa followers are still busy giving excuses, and debating who is more evil, or more corrupt . Does it matter that some one murdered thousands or hundreds. A F – – – – – G murderer and a sociopath comes in all kind of shapes and colors. If some lunatic is trying to find excuses or do comparison study, then they too belong to the same species. IMMORAL to the core.

  • 10
    2

    It is very sad that people know little about the Rajapakse family and what they were in the early 50’s when their father crossed over with SWRD to create the SLFP. Their patriarch was an honest man to the core and a humble person to his fingertips but the same cannot be said of any on the Rajapakses except may be to a certain extent the eldest of the family Chamal.

    If Gota wins the Presidency, which I doubt very much, then even God would not be able to help our blessed land. Said that God too, acts in very strange ways today and is oblivious to right and wrong. God has only to twist a nerve here or there and he could make life misearable for that person, but HE is hibernating and is definitely not doing HIS job.

    High time God woke up and took a good hard look at what in happening down here on Earth and like I said twist a few nerves here and there and give INSTANT JUSTICE where required.

    Let us ALL PRAY FOR THAT….. AMEN !

    • 3
      0

      Yes.. keep praying… good luck…God is sick and tired of the world and he ( or she !) has seemingly abandoned it !!

  • 10
    2

    If MR was a genuine man who loved the country and its people he would not have kicked the ladder that helped him to climb the greasy pole. Having done that and created another party he should have nominated someone other than from the FAMILY.
    He only wants to cover his tracks close the cases against him and the other rogues and work towards an autocracy BOTH ARE OVER SEVENTY and GR after a by pass. Further he is AMERICAN for all purposes as his wife and family are there. So with Mr 30 % and his family who refuses to come back but come only for holidays.
    If the voters are wise they should not accept them

  • 8
    2

    Way to go Ramanee. We should preserve this clip for our children!!

  • 8
    2

    Ramanee:

    News From 2025 Presidential Election:

    *** You are wrong my friend. Electineering fo this one is in full swing. MR & Gotha are playing the race card to the full and and there is a receptive audience.

    Race: Card:

    1) TNAs 13 demands are separatist.
    2) Sajith will aid and abet separatist.

    This is music to the Racist majoririty and victory is assured.
    What follows after that is quite simple to predict.

    Just like born Racist Trump couldnt implement a ny of his promises Gotha wont be able to implement anything except ethnic cleansing but that will alao stretch the patience of the World and especially India who has already spread its tentacles around Sti Lanka.

    This will be the last Presidential election and if Goth survives his term ( which I doubt very much) licking his wound 2025 we will have elections to elect a Chief Minister for two new federal states annexed by India . MAKE NO MISTAKE. and Gotha would have finally delivered the baby by Cesarian.

  • 11
    4

    GR pledges to fight violence against women:

    Gotha is the Joker in the SLPP pack. Is he pledging to fight violenece agains only Sinhalese Women minus the widows murdered by Karuna and the Tamil Women expecially ” Krishanthi” who died a horrific death at the hands of Brutal Sinkala Soldiers.
    Gotha why dont you give up your ambition to become a President to protect yourself for 5 years and plunge the Nation into darkness. Take it from me you will be humiliated as a President. What goes round comes round. You will face your day of reckoning.

  • 8
    4

    ⚠WARNING! THE RAJAPAKSAS ARE PLANNING AN ATTACK ⚠
    WITH 8 DAYS LEFT UNTIL THE ELECTION GOTABHAYA IS DESPERATE BCS HE WILL LOSE.
    We have information from inside the SLFP that Gotabhaya is funding a future attack in Sri Lanka. He is in contact with Tamil and Muslim extremists and encouraging them to do something right before the elections. We do now know when it will happen, but it will happen before the election. They want to make the people of Sri Lanka fear a new war and vote for them. Don’t fall into this trap and don’t let yourself manipulated. Gotabhaya wants to set the country on fire just so the Rajapaksa dynasty could continue to rule and make money.
    Take care and be safe 🙏

    • 7
      1

      Jehan, We too have information and MP letter to Election Commissioner of impending bombs by paid and reserved Gota mafia groups to create chaos which he cd falsely promise to reverse. Unknown day of reckoning is very near. Parakum here earlier released 3 evil horsemen. So we decree divine justice of planned bombs returning to sender’s heads.

    • 8
      3

      This is quite possible…. Gota instigated the 19th April attack and there is no doubt about it.
      A similar attack closer to Elections which can be blamed on the minorities will prompt people to vote for Gota, as he says that only he can save the country.
      The Army Commander Shavendra Silva is hand in glove with him ….

    • 2
      0

      BS. If this attack does not happen you will quietly forget about what you have written.

  • 3
    9

    Just as the pathetic murderer Prabaharan had said, the Sinhala people people have an alarmingly short memory. Many a successful leader of the world, past and present (and will be in future), has and must resort to whatever it takes, to put the country first, for saving its sovereignty and the wishes of the people, from traitors who work in tandem with all reactionary forces ( NGOs, Separatists end the list goes on). White vans could be classified as ‘minuscule’ in such circumstances). When approx 60,000 Sinhala youths who revolted with Marxist ideologies were ruthlessly murdered lock stock and barrel, by the ‘:father’ of this great ‘son’ who aspires to be next president, there were no tears shed, no real protests raised by the NGOs, or by all other henchmen.Was it not genocide then, by the Sinhala people on the Sinhala people ? But when MR and his generals defeated the brutal LTTE, saving the country from division, saving countless Tamil civilians made human shields by the LTTE causing countless casualties, it was genocide by the Sinhala people on Tamils. Hence I totally agree with what Prabaharan said. Give me a break. Tamils seemingly suffer from an acute inferiority complex, that they must get rid of, feel equal with all other communities in Sri Lanka and stop bickering endlessly for preferential treatment. There shall be no separate state for any community in Sri Lanka. Be happy that those who descended on this resplendent Island from Tamil Naadu and all other ‘settlers, refugees, invaders’ etc. are able to live peacefully if they so choose to do so. The choice is entirely theirs.

    • 5
      3

      Modaya. It was the british who created a united Sri Lanka (ceylon) and gave Sinhalese the north and east which was a tamil kingdom prior on a plate. The sinhalese themselves are mostly descended from tamil people only. SL is right next door to southern india. Even a blind bat can see that clearly, though many of you low IQ idiots keep calling yourselves ‘aryans’.
      And i have never heard of aryans being indegenous to hot tropical lands anyway. Does Sri Lanka look like a place that gives birth to ‘aryan races’? All over the world such hot tropical climates produce dark races (dravidians, africans, australoids etc)

      • 0
        3

        JohnSiva you mean Sri Lanka was never united until the British arrived? What a lot of nonsense. You don’t even display any knowledge of the meaning of Aryan.

  • 8
    6

    Gota will suspend agreements signed during campaign: SLPP

    *** Gotha can you hear me. Will you cancel the Lease Agreement signed between two parties recently and give it back to China. If you have any backbone do it man. Then I will know you are a Man or a Mouse

  • 1
    1

    When The My3 went to cast his vote at midnight, how many Public Servants were on duty at that time and were they all paid overtime etc.

  • 3
    3

    A brilliantly written satire. Well done, Ramanee Goonewardene.

  • 0
    5

    This write up has captured every little detail so well and honestly just like my CEO said last week, this may well be the last election held within a totally transparent, democratic framework… How much I wish for the victory of the opponent.

  • 2
    1

    “Ramanee”:::: I thought only men smoked weed :) ha ha… You must be one of the yahapalanaya sex-change stooges. LMAO. BTW, your hatred is showing… Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh :)

    • 0
      0

      Ok boomer

  • 0
    0

    Looking at the comments here its seems like a lot of folks don’t know what political satire is.

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