31 May, 2020

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Heartbreaking News From Kekirilanthaya

By Sudat Pasqual

Sudat Pasqual

Sudat Pasqual

1. President Sirisena has issued a Presidential Fatwa to halt all paper recycling in Sri Lanka and the Maldives till all real and imaginary missing government files since 2005 have been traced. When told that Maldives was not a colony of Sri Lanka, the President has thrown a temper tantrum and summoned the commanders of the armed forces for an explanation.

2. Furious to be told that Sri Lanka did not own the Maldives, President Sirisena has filed a grievance against the government of the Maldives in the Hague demanding Maldives to justify their need to hold on to all 1200 odd islands in the chain. According to President Sirisena the Maldives has more islands than McDonald’s has outlets in Asia.

3. Maldives will donate 12 out of 1200 islands to President Sirisena as a gesture of goodwill. In return, President Sirisena has promised to ban the use of DDT on vegetables.

4. President of Maldives will become a member of Sri Lanka’s cabinet.

5. The new Minister of Finance Joseph K aka Ravi K has declared that SATHOSA will be merged with the Sunday Leader. The Minister also vowed to do to the economy what he did to SATHOSA.

SRI LANKA-ELECTION-OPPOSITION6. The Prime Minister has decided to create a Ministry for Creative and Imaginary Vengeance. He explained that there was way too much manpower wasted with every Dissanayake, Ramanayake and Senasinghe running around like headless chickens looking for smoking Rajapaksas under everyone’s sarong and saree. He has appointed MP’s Sherlock Hadunhetti and Watson Senasinghe to spearhead the search for imaginary files and almost true crimes of passion

7. All 10 members of the Global Tamil Forum (GTF) have unanimously decided to declare January 9 as “Today we are all Sinhalese Buddhist Chauvinist Pigs Day” In a retaliatory move the 3 human like forms of the BBS and the 4 emoticon members unanimously decided to declare the same day as “Over our dead Emoticon Body and Form Day.”

8. The newly formed Sri Lankan government has announced that white vans will be immediately replaced by 30 seat buses to carry out the same duties in order to reduce overheads. This act is estimated save approximately Rs.1 million per abductee. The abductees will also be given a simple diet of hoppers as their last meal (one meal per abductee).

9. Criminal Investigations Department (CID) sleuths have discovered that Namal Rajapakse was called “Baba” because of his fondness for Haitian sociopath Baby Doc Duvalier.

10. The Government has announced that it will take up the trivial matter or governing the country once the 100 days of imaginative speculation and wild accusations are done with.

11. Government of Sri Lanka (GOSL) has been forced to look outside the country to find eminent and honest people to man the 10,000 commissions of inquiry to be established in the first 100 days of the Just Society program. President Sirisena explained that most of the eminent Sri Lankans are not honest and most of the honest ones are not eminent. Bloody hell, he said.

12. The United National Party has informed the Speaker that they have donated Palitha Thewarrapperuma to the Sri Lanka Freedom Party as an act of goodwill. Top of Form

*Sudat Pasqual is the Incompetent Authority on Irreverent Irrelevant Implausible News, Kekirilanthaya

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Latest comments

  • 78
    12

    Sudat Pasqual

    I feel sorry for you. You have tried to be funny. You dont have it in you to be a comedian. You are a joker. Hope you know the difference.

    Seek treatment.

  • 17
    7

    Thanks for the comedy, much needed after 9 (?) yrs. of reading CT comments!

    • 0
      0

      Antany aka punchiniame [Edited out]

  • 7
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    Please also be advised that the Government of Yahapalanaya in Kekirilanthaya (Kekiriland) has just over 110 MPs in Parliament out of which 53 are ministers. The Police in Kekiriland have found 53 abandoned luxury vehicles in the outskirts of Colombo just for these ministers and this revelation means that whoever that joins as a minister later will be eligible to import a new luxury bullet proof car duty free. However, people in Kekiriland have made a strong request to President Mythreepala and Premier Wickremasingha to increase the cabinet to a substantial level of 110 so that this government can beat the ex-government at least in growth and development of ministries with a number of plum jobs.

  • 11
    0

    This “guy” must be appointed to the Cabinet and given the title “Court Jester”. Never mind the “numbers” going beyond that promised 25. He is much more than the good old days “Raja Wasala Kawataya”.

    Thank you CT for giving us a “break” to have a hearty laugh and relax a little out of the serious discussions we have here.

  • 9
    0

    @Sudath Pasqual

    Excellent comedy; Im still rolling on the ground and laughing. My german g/f thinks Im loony. Silly woman shes a dunce and doesn’t understand Sri Lankan politics. So she misses the sarcasm behind the following items which gave me the laughing fits:

    “1)The Minister Joseph K alias Ravi K also vowed to do to the economy what he did to SATHOSA.”

    Selling CWE takaran to the Yindians for a handsome personal profit, I guess.

    “2)The new government has announced that white vans will be immediately replaced by 30 seat buses to carry out the same duties in order to reduce overheads. This act is estimated save approximately Rs.1 million per abductee.”

    If the buses are also painted white, we will now have white buses instead of white vans, thereby always maintaining the undisputable link of the white vans to its murderous creator, Gota of 7/11 fame.

    “3)The abductees will also be given a simple diet of hoppers as their last meal (one meal per abductee).”

    Will the hoppers be like the one My3 ate that night with King MR before defecting the next morning instead of defecating? However, only one meal per abductee is a smart policy introduced by the new Finance Minister Josepk K to arrest the bleeding economy caused by Ponzi Cabbural and the prodigal Namal Baba to whom the countrys economy was a plaything for free.

    Jaya Wewa!

  • 4
    4

    Disappointingly trivial compared to SP’s usual pieces.

  • 4
    5

    What is this BS?

  • 7
    1

    Love it Sudat Pasqual, like the satire very much. Need a break after the election ‘thamasha’. Bring out some more..

    • 2
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      [Edited out]

  • 5
    6

    What an irresponsible nutjob! If you have no idea how precious these days real estate on SL media forums you wouldn’t write something like this. How many pressing needs we have these days when it comes to SL politics. This is all you can think of. In this state I too can call my self a journalist, apparently. I can’t even imagine what Uvindu was thinking by publishing garbage like this. Man Sudat satire is not for you pls retire without wasting our valuable time.

  • 5
    3

    WTF ?

  • 5
    8

    @Sudat Pasqual

    I hope u r not the same guy who captained Royal in the early 80’s?? I will bowl u out..with my googly. You think u r funny?.. Sorry bud.. you should stick to playing cricket..

    • 2
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      Is he the man .I was wondering too.he faded away from the radar prematurely but during his school days he was a shooting star.

    • 2
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      Good try Sudath, but somehow this did not resonate well with me. I must admit, on my initial read I got caught off-guard as there was no preamble of what to expect, and totally surprised to read of the deep connections between Maldives and SL. But on further reading, realized it was only satire.

      My ‘put-off’ probably has to do with the subject mix of a disgusting political culture that existed, added with more eccentrics simply to create a bit of humor. I know it has all to do with satire with ‘tongue-in-cheek’ type talk, but I believe this did not carry the ‘KO’ punchline that we normally come to expect from such satirical writings.

      But please don’t feel discouraged as you are already on your way to the top as a better satirical writer and entertainer (but not as a caricature artist. Most specifically cartoons, please). Look forward to reading more of your stuff in later editions.

  • 5
    6

    The moron is writing with a hangover. The ill-effects of too much alcohol.

  • 2
    8

    What crap is this?

  • 4
    1

    Satire. Not comedy.

    Not saying this is very good.

    But look it up.

  • 0
    2

    I can not fathom as to what he wants to say. mmmmmmm.. May be I am an idiot or vice versa

  • 2
    3

    Dutugamunu

    “Sorry bud.. you should stick to playing cricket..”

    Doesn’t he have a day job? I mean an honest day’s work for an honest day’s pay.

    • 1
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      @Native Vadda

      Yes, he works at a restaurant in Toronto as a cook. B4 that he was a parking lot attendant.

  • 1
    6

    Sudath Pasquel,

    This not humour. Just bury your head in the sea sand.

  • 1
    5

    @Sudat Pasqual
    A bunch of crap from a sick mind. It’s not humor. Is this the new breed of SriLankan writer? WTF.

  • 1
    2

    Sudat,

    Go jump in the Beira if you think anyone would read beyond three sentences. You are a nutter. Go read journalism for dummies or comedy for dummies for a starter.

  • 1
    5

    You know it was great having theCT during the election and before as well. We seriously could do without jokes and so called “satire” like this.
    If CT wishes to have articles like this- better open a site like The Onion.

    I admit this has a bit of humor. But this is not the site for this

  • 1
    1

    Come on guys! He is just an ordinary guy. His full name is Pallewatte Gamaralalage Maithripala Yapa Sirisena. His father was a poor soldier when Rajapaksa’s were in State Council under British rule. D S Senanayake gave him(I mean Yapa) 6 acres of paddy land to cultivate and live. President even worked as Grama sevaka for a small wage. Mrs. B had some Sympathy and gave him this job even he was convicted JVP(rehabilitated). He worked as a Buying officer in a cooperative society in Polonnaruwa district. He got a scholarship to Maxim Gorki Institute of Literature where he got a Diploma in Politics. So he is one man like us. Hopefully he will remember his family past and serve the people.Sometimes people who rise like this become dictators. But with his Charismatic smile and passive personality we have to watch the guys behind him and not him.

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