By Gongalay Gotabanda –
Once upon a time, in the year 2009 AD, the agent of RAW appeared to JayaSof in a dream and said, “Don’t hesitate to take MIAree as your wife! For the child within her has been conceived through an ‘International Conspiracy’ while she was in the ‘Please Don’t Fire We Are Innocent Tranquils Zone,’ and she will have a son, and you shall name him Jayzee and he will save his Tranquil tribe from the misery they have undergone at the hands of the Stinkerlees tribe for over 61 hundred years!”
When JayaSof awoke, he did as the agent of RAW had commanded and took MIAree and surrendered to a ‘Welfare Holiday Camp,’ surrounded by barbed wire and armed SS (Stinkerlees Soldiers). Jayzee was born in such a camp, in a canvas tent in the town of BretLeeHmmm, during the reign of Roger Proxy, King of Sri RogerPakistan. At about this time, three wise dignitaries from western lands arrived in CalumBoo, the capital of Sri RogerPakistan asking, “Where is the newborn King of the Tranquils? For we received news of his birth from satellite images, and have come to worship him and make an independent confirmation.”
King Roger Proxy was deeply disturbed by the satellite evidence from the ‘Eye in the Sky,’ hovering over BretLeeHmmm; the sole witness to all that transpired in the Tranquil homeland towards the north of the country. So he immediately called a cupboard meeting. And when the hundred and eleven cupboard parleymutts arrived he asked, “Did our intelligence comedians inform us where the King of the Tranquils would be born?”
“Yes Sir! No Sir! In BretLeeHmmm Sir!” they all chorused.
Then King Roger Proxy sent three SMS messages to the three wise dignitaries, asking them to come and see him; at this meeting he found out the exact time and date that they received confirmation from the satellite. Then he told them, “Go to BretLeeHmmm and search for the child. You will be granted free access to all the ‘Welfare Holiday Camps,’ with no restrictions whatsoever. And when you find him, come back and tell me so that I can go and worship him too!”
After this meeting, the three wise foreign dignitaries started their journey towards the north. And lo, and behold, the satellite appeared to them hovering over BretLeeHmmm, and their joy knew no bounds! Entering the canvas tent where the baby Jayzee and MIAree his mother were, they threw themselves down before him, worshiping. Then they opened their presents and gave him a state-of-the-art satellite phone, a laptop with a high speed internet connection and a gift voucher to shop at the Odd HELL Warehouse.
When they returned to their own lands in the west, they didn’t go through CalumBoo to report to King Roger Proxy, for an agent of the SeeHighHey had warned them in a dream to take a boat to Tranquil Naadoo and hop a flight home from there. After they had gone, the agent of RAW appeared to JayaSof in a dream. “Get up and flee to Tranquil Naadoo with the baby Jayzee and his mother,” the agent said, “and stay there until I tell you to return, for King Roger Proxy is going to permanently rehabilitate the child and blame it on an ‘International Conspiracy’ to tarnish the image of Sri RogerPakistan.”
That same night, JayaSof left for Tranquil Naadoo with MIAree and the child, and stayed there until he received further instructions from the agent of RAW. King Roger Proxy was furious when he learned that the three wise dignitaries had disobeyed him. Sending his SS to BretLeeHmmm, he ordered them to permanently rehabilitate every baby boy two years old and under, both in the town and in the various ‘Welfare Holiday Camps.’ This humanitarian operation of King Roger Proxy fulfilled the prophecy of the agent of RAW. The screams of anguish, the unrestrained weeping and gnashing of teeth for their permanently rehabilitated children was recorded by the ‘Eye in the Sky’ satellite and relayed to BooBeeSee, See & End and HellJayzeeRaw who broadcast these images to every nook and corner of planet mirth.
King Roger Proxy and his hundred and eleven cupboard parleymutts once again screamed till they were blue in the face, claiming that this was another ‘International Conspiracy’ to tarnish the image of the Kingdom of Sri RogerPakistan. But the international community on planet mirth could not be fooled.
“Shame on you!” they said, and asked for an independent commission to look into the human wrongs committed by the SS, but King Roger Proxy rejected this outright. When King Roger Proxy eventually died, (some say of swine flu) the agent of RAW appeared once again in a dream to JayaSof in Tranquil Naadoo, and told him, “Get up and take the baby Jayzee and his mother MIAree back to Sri RogerPakistan, for those who were trying to permanently rehabilitate the child are dead.
So JayaSof returned immediately to Sri RogerPakistan with Jayzee and his mother. But on the way he got to hear that the new king was Roger Proxy’s son NoMale Proxy. Then in another dream, JayaSof was warned (by who else) but the agent of RAW, not to go back to BretLeeHmmm due to security reasons. So they went to live in NasalRot, just a stone’s throw away from WellHerWhatHer. Jayzees parents registered themselves at the local police station, before they rented a small apartment after paying a five year advance with the money sent to them by their relatives living in KannaDaa. Jayzee went to the local international school and was a good student. He was called ‘Jayzee of NasalRot’ by all his friends, and his enemies called him by many other names (but that’s another story). And so Jayzee and his parents lived happily ever after.
Quite an anti climax isn’t it? If you were expecting plenty of blood and gore and murder and mayhem, you should have switched on to Channel 4 TV and watched Kalum MuckRakers “Sri RogerPakistan’s Killing Fields” instead!