25 May, 2022


Mister Roger Proxys Malted Barren Lockets And Custard Buns

By Gongalay Gotabanda

Gongalay Gotabanda

Gongalay Gotabanda

The short satire that appears below is a tribute to Lasantha Wickramatunge, who was killed five years ago by the attack dogs of cowards who could not stomach the truth. I did not know him personally, but I admired his fearless reporting and enjoyed reading his many exposes about corruption in the government and the military. Terrorism in Sri Lanka raised its ugly head in the 1970s and again in the 1980s and has continued unabated since. But state sponsored terrorism has plagued this country since independence. State repression by various governments has been the cause for most of the country’s ills since 1948. When State Terrorism is defeated, other forms of terrorism will die a natural death. While thinking of the depths this country has sunk to since independence, I was reminded of George Orwell’s famous novel “1984.” The characters in his novel were lucky in that they had to contend with only one villain who was called “Big Brother.” But the unfortunate people of this country have to contend with a “Quadrumvirate of Big Brothers” and their armed goons. Let us sincerely hope that this “Nepotistic Dictatorship” that we live in today, will someday soon become a “Democratic Republic” where each one of us is guaranteed the right to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness. 

Mister Roger Proxys Malted Barren Lockets and Custard Buns

Sri RogerPakistan on Planet Mirth (2009 AD):

The Global Recession on Planet Mirth had reached an all time low. Foreign exchange had dwindled to a trickle and Sri RogerPakistan was on the verge of bankruptcy due to a long drawn out ‘HOOmanitarian Crusade’ that had entered its 30th year. The DickTatorship decided to take the bull by the horns and makes drastic cost cuts to all its ministries.

The four telephone operators at Hotel de Temple Palace were the first to be laid off, and the hotline was taken over by the Foreign Ministers 10-year-old niece who had arrived on the Utopian Paradise (another name for Sri RogerPakistan) for the Crossboobeemas holidays from the Peoples Autocratic Utopia of Shyna.

“Hello, operator! Have there been any messages for me?”

“Just a minute, let me check…er…no nothing here. Oh wait here’s one. It’s from a Mr.Prebio…a Mr.Prebiocarrom. He says…”

“Prebiocarrom? Are you sure it’s…”

“Yes, Prebiocarrom, that’s right. The message is…”

“But I don’t know any Mr.Prebiocarrom!”

“Yes, it’s Prebiocarrom. Let me spell it out for you. P-R-E-B-I-O-C-A-R-R-O-M. Do you want the message or don’t you? I’ve got other calls here and I’m all alone at the switch board as the other four girls have been laid off!”

“What is the message?”

“It says you are to remove your malted barren lockets and custard buns from KillerNooSee by…”

“Malted barren lockets and custard buns? Are you sure it says malted barren lockets and custard buns?”

“Yes, that’s what the message says. Why, don’t you have any malted barren lockets and custard buns in KillerNooSee?”

“Are you certain…maybe you made a mistake?”

“No…let me spell it out for you…its M-A-L-T-E-D B-A-R-R-E-N L-O-C-K-E-T-S
and C-U-S-T-A-R-D B-U-N-S…to be removed from K-I-L-L-E-R-N-O-O-S-E-E. He wants you to remove them by…by…Tossday…or is it Thosayday, I can’t make it out. One of the other girls took down the message before she was laid off. Anyway he wants you to remove them from KillerNooSee either by Tossday or Thosayday or something or the other, otherwise he’s going to…”

“Yes? Otherwise he’s going to what?”

“Can you hold on, I’ve got another call.”

“Hello? Operator? Hello? Hello?”

“Oh, hello! Thank you for…for holding Mister Roger Proxy…”

“Roger who? Oh, never mind…could you please just read the rest of the message?”

“It says you are to remove your malted barren lockets and custard buns from KillerNooSee by Tossday or Thosayday or whatever or he will bum CalumBoo into smitheroons!”

“Oh shoot! I’m sorry!”

“Sorry for what?”

“This message isn’t for you Mister Roger Proxy. It’s for a Mister Goat Proxy.”


“It’s for a Mister Goat Proxy. That’s what it says. I didn’t take the message myself. It was taken by one of the other girls. I guess it just got into your inbox by mistake. Sorreee. No messages for you today, Mister Roger Proxy. Have a nice day! Byeeee and HaayoobooOne!

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