By Jagath Asoka –
If the US embassy in Sri Lanka is going to make a radio announcement tomorrow morning, saying “Apply for Citizenships; first come, first serve; only ten citizenships are available.” Guess what would happen? Gotabaya will find out tonight, and Rajapaksas will start assassinating each other to make the line tomorrow morning at the US embassy. All the cabinet members will be dead before dawn! No revolution needed! All problems are solved. This is not a joke; it will happen; just wait and see!
Before I write this article, I need to thank the commenter called “Bruz.” Bruz, thank you my friend; you are the only one who got it; I just woke up after a nap and read your comment on my previous article; Humor and wisdom are as rare as Kalunika these days, especially among Sri Lankans; I doubt that you live in Sri Lanka, both from your elegant writing style and cohesive presentations of your thoughts and arguments. Please contribute to this website—Colombo Telegraph—and tell us more about you, especially who you are. I genuflect to your wisdom as well as humor. Please see my last paragraph for more on this subject. Bruz, please give us the wonderful privilege of knowing you and entertain us with your humor because I cannot do this alone anymore; I need more help. To use a euphemism in a humorous way: Bruz, please come out of the closet. Professional journalists have inflated egos; an amateur like myself has an ego, too, but just a tiny one, like a tiny ant.
I recommend “And Company,” a very popular Sri Lankan TV show. If you get a chance, watch it, because it is hilarious. These actors and actresses are brilliant; of course, the accolades also go to the producers and directors as well. The day “And Company” shows “Chinthaka Sabapathy (Mahinda Rajapaksa)” and makes fun of him, it would be the first clue that would demonstrate that Sri Lanka has gained its press and media freedom. So, watch it! In “And Company,” they do not even make any allusions to Gotabaya; I can come up with a plethora of names for Gotabaya. If you are interested please let me know; I will even write the script for this role. The epithet “Vitra” would not be a bad one. “And Company,” please give Mr. Ranil Wickremesinghe a break; I do not agree with him, but he is somewhat decent, compared to the other clowns. The actor who plays Ranil’s role is excellent, like the rest in that show. It is time to focus on Mahinda and Gotabaya. Come on, are you guys afraid of these charlatans? Some Sri Lanka Teledramas have figured out how to make fun of Mahinda by using people who are pretending to be lunatics; finally, they have figured out how to make fun of these megalomaniacs. It is very clever. Watch the TV drama Suravimana, the last 3 or 4 episodes: Mr. Walisundera, pretending to be a lunatic, making fun of Mahinda, a brilliant move. We need another character called Gotasundera or Podisundara.
Very interesting things are happening in Sri Lanka in every area. As far as kidnapping is concerned, even the CIA and FBI have to come up with new strategies to deal with what is going on in Sri Lanka. For example, Sri Lankans have perfected the method of disappearing people without any evidence; that is why Gotabaya always say “Show us the evidence before you accuse us.” Readers, if you want to know, I will reveal.
“And Company” presented a brilliant episode last week, and showed its viewers what is happening in Sri Lanka. For example, since there is no opposition to challenge Mahinda, Mahinda has created an opposition within the party. So, this group within the UPFA criticizes the government, and they win but they remain within the UPFA. Remember, what I wrote in one of my articles, “Heads I win, Tails you lose.” Mahinda has perfected this game that I used to play in my childhood; in fact, not only Mahinda, Wall Street uses this same game. If you do not understand this trick, “Heads I win, Tails you lose,” please let me know because most of my colleagues who have PHDs do not understand this trick. One of my colleagues, who has a PhD, now works for Ford Motors. He has a PhD in physics. When I played this trick, he had no clue; so, finally I said, “You know that every time we toss a coin, there is a 50% chance; we have played this game twenty times, but you have not won yet, why?” He thought for a while, and with a very serious face of an erudite professor, like Einstein in deep thought, he said, “It has to do with gravity.” Then I said, “I give up, God bless you!” And I left it at that. Even today, he has no clue. It has been over 26 years! And he is a physicist who works for Ford Motor Company!
What is Virgin Mary, who I respect deeply, doing in my article? If you are a devout Catholic, please do not get offended; this following opinion of mine is not personal, just facetious writing. Our popular TV and movie actors and actresses have become female and male prostitutes by prostituting for this current regime. They will turn Virgin Mary into a prostitute, if Virgin Mary were to hang around with these actresses and actors. What a sad situation! Drugs are being imported by our Prime Minister and being distributed by the police. Now and then the police arrest someone like “Andharay,” beat the hell out of him, and our judges send “Andharay,” to prison for six years, with heavy labor for stealing a loaf of bread or a coconut that was lying on the ground; he stole because his children were starving. I know a judge from Galle, from a particular village starting with”Hirim” and ending with “gama,” who has given the maximum punishment to innocent people for petty theft. I would love to slap and undress him with my words when I see him one day. This judge also carries this village’s name as his last name. Sri Lankan judicial system has become so corrupt that the judges in the US Supreme Court use Sri Lanka as an example where “democracy only in name” is making a mockery out of judicial system. I once heard that an asinine politician of the JHU with a permanent stupid grin on his stupid face in a recent interview on 360 in Sri Lanka say the following: “Look at what is happening in the US; look how corrupt the judicial system in the US; Bill Clinton pardoned 250 murderers on the last day of his presidency!” What a stupid remark by a stupid idiot who is a leader in the JHU! Yes, Bill Clinton pardoned people and that was legal. But Clinton or any other US president has no power to override the decisions made by the US Supreme Court on a daily basis. On the last day of Clinton’s presidency, just once, yes, he pardoned some people.
I am deeply saddened by what is going on in Sri Lanka. I was a student at three different schools in Sri Lanka before I left in 1978: Prince College, Kotahena; Mahanama, Colombo 3; and Nalanda College, Colombo 10. All my teachers always taught all of us not just science, math, and reading but how to become productive citizens and civilized human beings; these teachers worked diligently with enormous love and caring but for pittance; they did God’s work on earth; they were our surrogate parents who guided us and shared their gift of knowledge with us; never got any accolades or rewards; I have kissed their feet so many times as I have done with my parents; what my teachers and parents have given me is priceless; I have to do the same thing with my students and children; that is the only way I can show them my deepest veneration and gratitude. Now, look at what this regime does to these guardian angels—our teachers—of our country. THEY ARE FORCED TO KNEEL DOWN IN FRONT OF THEIR OWN STUDENTS FOR DISCIPLINGING STUDENTS. I THINK ONE OF THESE DAYS THE BUDDHA—THE SUPREME TEACHER OF ALL TEACHERS OF ALL BUDDHISTS—IS GOING TO RESURRECT HIMSELF TO DEAL WITH THESE SONS OF SATAN. Only the Buddha can defeat these sons of Satan, as he did with Mara and his three daughters.
This weekend, I am going to have lunch with Dr. Ranjani De Silva, the lady who introduced me to organic chemistry when I was at Nalalnda; you have to blame her for creating this monster! I have lost my mother, but Dr. Ranjani is the closet that I have, like my mother. There are so many teachers that I have to thank; Mrs. Nissanka, Mr. Senadhira, Mrs. Pasqual, my math teacher, and Mr. Piyasoma; all of them were at Mahanama in early seventies; and Mrs. Mapa who taught me English when I was at Prince College. They were my surrogate parents. And I will never be able to thank them personally; if one of the readers who read this article knows any of these guardian angels please let me know; I would love to give them a call to express my sincere gratitude.
Please read my articles with a sense of humor because that is my mood when I write them, even if it seems to you that I am vicious. I am a prankster, and some of you were fooled by my pranks; will be fooled in the future as well. There is more than what you can see with your eyes; if you do not have a sense of humor, please borrow it, at least, when you read my articles. Do not read my articles with an inflated ego; I am not writing about a particular person, unless I mention their names in my articles; I am not afraid to mention names if you are worthy of my attention. Some of my colleagues get angry because they think that I am writing about them. Remember, what I said about writers: When a writer is born, his or her family and friends die. My remarks are not personal unless I address you by your name; what I am doing is not personal, it is just facetious writing to entertain you. So, if you do not like my sense of humor, please do not read; I would not; if I were you, instead of reading an article of a writer who is an idiot or a writer that you hate deeply, I would rather play tennis or make love: divine activities. Some people take my writing very seriously instead of reading them as facetious, sarcastic satire. Please tell me why? Listen, everybody, I am writing just for fun, so have fun when you read, instead of having a heart attack. My brain needs a break from my medical and technical writing, so give me a break! Some journalists, scholars, and writers have become just puppets of hate mongers. Do not open that door of hatred even if the Mara or Stan were to give these keys to you; don’t go there; it is taboo. Learn it from the Native Americans: There are certain places where you must never enter, and it also applies to your mind. I like to compare things from disparate fields because I find humor in them; heaven and Sri Lanka (hell for some); love and stupidity; virgins and monsters; angels and demons; Mahinda and Ranil; Gotabaya and Vitra.
I am neither your enemy nor your friend, just a writer who wants to amuse himself; I am not looking for any enemies or new friends. I do not think that I have enemies, just some people who are jealous of what I do for living. I have a very few friends, less than ten that I can always count on; and I am not looking for any new friendships or enemies. I am disinterested in such things, particularly in idiots and hatemongers who ostentatiously display their sanctimonious piety in religion, particularly in Buddhism. The same eyes that they cast on the Buddha, filled with kindness, become red with anger when I comment on their sanctimonious piety; I have seen this in everyone that I know because we are all human after all, not gods, atheists, Buddhists, writers, journalists, Christians, professors, custodians, teachers, presidents, defense secretaries, and Muslims. Those categories are secondary. My writing is a new incarnation of Suralowa Almange Naralowa Holman, one of my most favorite series of newspaper articles. Our Suralowa (Sri Lanka) has turned into a Naralowa (Hell) by a single family who pretend to be devout Sinhala Buddhists. Guess who is the Yama Raja, the Satan?
I know that all of you can undress others with your words, but before we undress others in public with our words, we need to be naked in public; I, on the other hand, would rather adorn people with accolades.
Colombo Telegraph, I have been trying my best to attract not only intelligent readers but also brilliant writers to your website, people like “Bruz.” I think my strategy is working. I do this for one reason and one reason only: because I am irate; these idiots cannot take our fundamental freedoms, like our freedom of expression away; they can steal our money, but not our freedoms; we are not a nation of what Sri Lankans call euphemistically call “Ponnays.” I think we must get organized and lobby both the Republicans and Democrats to win our freedoms back. Just imagine for a moment, Mahinda or Gotabaya getting a call from President Obama: I would love to be in that room when that happens.
Had I received a hundred dollars for every hour that I spent—the usual hourly pay rate for medical/technical writers here in the US—for writing these articles, I would be a rich man! Believe me, I am not! Only a very few know how poor I am! Most people think that I am very rich because of my life style; I let them think that because it is better than thinking the other way around! Take care of yourself, your family, and your friends. After all that is all you have in this world.