21 October, 2020

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President Rajapaksa’s Potential Commonwealth Speech

Dear all,

I want to welcome all distinguished guests of the commonwealth to Sri Lanka- ‘the land like no other ‘

Let me first introduce the government delegation at this most important sessions. On my right is Mr Mervyn Silva- The minister of Public Relations. He is the best for this post as he has tied humans to trees in addition to hundreds of similar inhumane, uncivilised activities. He recently brought honour to Lanka by proposing to Mrs Navi Pillai, the UN human rights commissioner. We also have Mr Duminda Silva- the minister supervising defence who was accused of rape, drug connections and later shot and killed  one of my presidential advisors. We have made sure that he remains an MP to serve the public. The next is Minister  Yapa- who’s brilliance of reading, interpreting , digesting and concluding on more than 1000 pages of complex evidence in an 12 hour period overnight to confirm the guilty verdict on our previous chief justice. Then we have Mr Rambukwella- the Media Minister who has got a family trait of antics at higher levels when he jumped from a balcony of a hotel in Australia. Other supportive government delegation consist of the Provincial council chairman  in Tangalle who killed a British tourist, Nuwara Eliya-deputy Mayor- accused of paedophilia, Deraniyagala counsellor who is the Noori killer  and many provincial councillors of my party  who have been accused of rape, murders, thuggary and other criminal activities. Finally we have my friend and supporter Mr Julampitiye Amare who killed 2 while having only 95 arrest warrants !!

Sri Lanka is doing very well in all parameters. One good example is my family’s wealth  and though I would like  to list  it will take the whole day. Similarly if you look at my mega cabinet,  all are have luxury houses, many cars, own hotels and businesses since we came in to power.  Truly remarkable achievement and a sign of prosperity. Another similar example is that in the budget we made luxury cars like Lambourgini duty free to help citizens of Lanka. But we inceased the duty of trishaws, tractors etc as we want our citizens to use Lambourgini’s.

The development is rapid. We built a harbour which had 3 grand openings by me is doing well despite no big ships can come due to a rock which was known way back  in 1991. We built the 2nd international airport costing Rs 40 billion of peoples’ money  where only birds try to land. People say that this amount of money could have been used for people’s health, education, food etc but we need such big structures though a public toilet there would have been better used. We unfortunately lost the bid to host commonwealth games which would have cost only ½ of nations’ income but we will try again. The brand new cricket stadium in a deserted corner of Lanka bankrupted Sri Lanka cricket with no money to the players is commendable. We feel that even simple logic is not important.

We are managing our economy extremely well. Our government institutions have lost only Rs 200 billion confirming the efficiency of my appointees and all of them are doing very well. Additionally we have paid many world institutions of billions of rupees of peoples’ money for Greek bonds disaster, oil headging disaster etc. which we are proud of and we feel that no one is responsible for them.

We have had an industrial revolution. The multibillion Norochchalai Power plant which is brand new, is functioning despite it breaking down every month. As you know even a brand new fridge will have at least a 5 year guarantee for parts !

We pride ourselves in maintaining Law and Order. Some of our security forces who destroyed the lethal LTTE is now filling the vacuum of the LTTE with white van abductions, kidnapping, randomly shooting at civilians like recent Weliveriya incident, deliver justice by storming and killing prisoners or killing them when they try to jump off the vehicles. We do not want  to arrest a single  thug who may be standing few feet away with poles ready to attack citizens attending rallies of our opponents. Our Law and Order efficiency is unbeatable. No high profile murder, kidnapping, rape etc suspects are caught and brought to justice or justice happens so slowly that it is almost non-existent. Our police high ups are truly remarkable in spinning stories of various thefts including antique, crimes etc  or doing contract criminal activities.

We take bribery and corruption extremely seriously. We even have our Ex Chief Justice on such charges as she has not disclosed bank accounts of zero deposits but we feel that none of my closest, my cabinet and local party members who may be 1000 times worse have no case to answer. If the securities exchange (SEC) directors detect of wrong doing of others causing losing billions of revenue to the country, we replace them.

We take justice very seriously. For example we imprisoned our army commander for saving the nation while not only we see any crime of previous terrorist leader Mr KP  but also provide him all comforts and luxuries in life.

Hence our policies are basically evolves on me, my family and  us  but not around the 20 million citizens of Lanka.

We promote crime, have zero public standards, no shame, reward criminals, do not recognise  human values such as sincerity/ honesty, Laws are changed to suit us only, punish all who do proper service and duty to Sri Lanka,

Friends, these are our standards of the commonwealth when we lead them over the next 2 years. No doubt you will be proud of our record and we seek to transform the commonwealth with our policies.

By nature, human beings have the capacity to achieve the most challenging and noble goals in life, through strong commitment and dedication. I am confident that, by our own collective efforts these results would prove to be beneficial to all humanity. As Buddha, the Enlightened One said,

“Atta hi attano natho”

“Oneself is one’s own benefactor”

Let these timeless words of wisdom guide the destiny of the world.

May the Noble Triple Gem Bless you all.

තෙරුවන් සරණයි

Thank you.

*The speech writer wish to remain anonymous

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Latest comments

  • 0
    1

    a very good one ha ha ha

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      Brilliant! Please translate into Sinhala so that the sinhalaya modayas can have a good laugh at their beloved leaders!

      • 0
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        This should be published in the British Press!

        Cameron and Prince Charles’ plan to go to Sri Lanka should be protested in LONDON by a fast unto death by GTF activists in London outside the Commonwealth office..

        Time to take the opposition to the Commonwealth of Clowns support to the Rajapassa military dictatorship to head office in London and to Buckingham Palace.. So that the world will know the truth!

  • 0
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    Lyricist Dalton Alwis if I am not mistaken who wrote lyrics for the song sung by Victor Ratnayake ‘Seegiri gale kavi leeve nubai puthe’.

  • 0
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    The speech writer is a damned fool. Why does he wish to insult the greatest king of lanka and the greatest hero of the sinhala buddhists in this low down way?.

    Look at the election results. The whole land loves this man and his style of governance. He is the only one who has had the guts to dismantle the state and take charge himself. This has won him the respect and undying love of this sinhala buddhist nation because every one of its citizens has for so long wanted a nation free of laws, free of democracy and most of all free of human rights where the strong can rule and enjoy torturing, raping and murdering which every sinhala buddhist approves of and dreams of being able to do.

    Please pay this man the greatest of respect because he represents the character and culture of the sinhala buddhist people and also pay respect to his courtiers and specially the tillerman who is his greatest strategist and who perhaps is kautilya himself reborn.

    • 0
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      You are stupid. This speech is was written very sarcastically about our president. I agree with everything written on this speech and its the truth.

    • 0
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      crazyoldmansl:
      I never thought it would come to this but I AGREE 100% with you!
      That’s how bad Sri lanka has got: you and I agreeing!

    • 0
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      This writer is most probably a defeated Tamil terrorist.

    • 0
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      Hay crazynut[Edited out] r, This halagemba may be a king for you but not for others! For us he is the most damned rogue Sri Lanka ever saw! What heroism are you talking about? This bastard is a timid fool who sells the country to Chinese to get protection!

  • 0
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    Speech Writer,
    Could you write a speech for our pro active Opposition Leader, RW. This will be your, One Shot, to fame and fortune.

    • 0
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      NVI, Stupid lunatic, an honorable and intelligent man like RW has no business with your rogue friends. You can have your funeral speech written by Speech Writer if you wish! Bloody fool!

      • 0
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        The most intelligent act Ranil could do at this point of time is to step down and get the UNP to win again – the Locals will never vote for him no matter how hard things would get. RW lost his credibility unfortunately, and mind too (from what we see as he repeatedly fails to understand the people and the fact that people will not vote for him)

    • 0
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      RW is on MRs paylist ,he goes for secret meetings having MRs ice cream and banana sorbet.

  • 0
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    I hope Sharma reads this.
    But I suspect that he will ignore it and carry on.

    • 0
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      sharma got paid by rajapavassas.

  • 0
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    Yes, indeed a nice speech…:))))))))))))))))

  • 0
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    Excellent and the truth and what is happening well elaborated

  • 0
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    Hilarious!

  • 0
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    I wish he will take the time to at least rad this, for him to realize how praiseworthy he and his cabinet members are in the eyes of his countrymen, and oh yes, specially this comments section.

  • 0
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    Blaming Rajapaksa is not going to help the country or its people. He gets his strength from the support the people give him.

    The stupid idiotic and moronic people who keep on voting for this corrupt criminal thug enables him to do what he is able to do with impunity. When it bites really hard economically people will realise their folly of supporting Rajapaksa. When badagini bites the people will wake up. That spectre is fast approaching and until then the enlightened people will have to wait patiently. Rajapaksa rule will not last long.

  • 0
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    Hilarious but excellent and indeed the truth.

  • 0
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    OMG this is so hilarious.whoever wrote it hit the nail on the right spot.lol

  • 0
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    The writer forgot to mention where we stand in the various Global Indexes
    in proof of our achievements. These indices have been manipulated by
    by our enemines – Tamilish Navaneetham/Gopalasami Reports overstepping
    their boundaries.
    The one and only patriotic Hero of Sri Lanka is a US Citizen who does
    no wrong as He is the living Buddha……we present him to you.

    • 0
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      Global indices ?

      Were made to support a certain system.

      So, don’t be stupid to accept those as the ultimate truth.

  • 0
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    Hilarious!Indeed. And freaking! Just imagine Mahinda like Jim Carrey in his 1997 comedy smash flick “Liar, Liar” where he promises his son to say only the truth, 24 hours long…
    If Rajapaksa, the self acclaimed non-dictator would have said all this, there would instantly be sheer murder and rampagein the streets of Colombo and around the whole isle.
    This satyrical speech also shows how difficult it will be to remove the “failed state” stain the greedy Rajapaksas have left on Lankas coat.
    The next big battle for Lankas is just ahead!

  • 0
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    ha! ha!
    this is classic. cannot stop laughing. !!!!

  • 0
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    THIS MAN MAHINDA RAJAPAKSE GOT ALL THE WEALTH BY KILLING 146,679 OF HIS OWN PEOPLE. THIS MAN IS GOING TO DIE DIE DIE SOON SOON SOON

  • 0
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    Based on facts, facts, facts and facts alone. Bensen

  • 0
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    No government has destroyed economy of SL as this government done. It is UNP government that opened up good economic policies and yet, sLfP has had out dated economic polices . It is wrong economic policies of this government should have defeated this government and yet, I wonder how this government won election in PC election:
    One theory is it used all it muscle to win it by any means: look what happened in kurunagla . MR family bought Dayasiri from UNP: he had support of UNP and SLFP. MR family plays with racism card to win election MR family use all thugs to win election. Look how many people crossed over from UNP? It is ambition MR family to make Hammanthota as a capital? Look all these mega projects are done there at the expense country and economy? Did CB wanted make Gampaha as capital when she was in power? This village menia is not good for SL? MR has damaged the country more that 30 years of war? Look all mega projects are failure and who will pay the price for these wrong project it is public. He make public dump heads? No one can question this government . It is worst than Sadam and Qaddafi. It is MR did not do that much killing and yet he kills economy of SL? Look how many trip he made ? But at what cost?

  • 0
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    Remarkable writing! But do keep in mind that what goes around, will always always come around! Let’s see how long this party goes on :)

    • 0
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      how many more years we have to wait ? … fed up of seeing all these but being helpless too.

  • 0
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    Writer forgot to thank Sec. Gen. of Commonwealth Kamalesh Sharma.

  • 0
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    Mention should have been made of the Indian Mafia – Shiva Shenkar Menon, Mukeergee, Narayanan, Nambiar
    and Sharma of Commonwealth ill fame.

  • 0
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    Brilliant . However the irony is every word written is the absolute truth. I weep for thee, Sri lanka

  • 0
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    I thought one big point is missing in this statement! It is the efficiency in which the opposition party members were recruited and how one such person proved, with a poll record of over 330,000 votes, the point that the MR government is ever so popular among the voters!

    • 0
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      glad the likes of you die hard supporters read this kind of articles.

  • 0
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    Government is not popular rather all ditty politics and looting of votes

  • 0
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    Fantastic, Presidents speech writers must be wondering how to better this effort. Obviously gonna fail.

  • 0
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    CLASSIC and HILARIOUS!
    This is a case of “serving oneself as long as one holds the spoon”. MR is holding on to a VERY LARGE SPOON and he is busy serving HIMSELF!

  • 0
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    The speech writer forgot to mention that we have also have the worlds stupidest voters who can be fooled time and time again by my family who parade around in convoys of hummers to ask for their vote and receive it even when they cannot afford bus fare and proper food. Our voters can be bought to a cheap packet of rice or some free alcohol. They care not two hoots for the pillage of our treasury carried out by myself and my family. They care even less about the many ways my fellow ministers have feathered their own nests while murdering anyone who gets in their way. We have the worlds best model democrazy.

  • 0
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    Wonderful speech. Who nows MR read this and think of reading this to the CHOGM meeting, as he has nothing else to say.

    [Edited out]

  • 0
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    Seriously, though, does it really matter if this is in fact the speech that MR will deliver? Will anyone be listening and if they were, would they really care? I see that the SL government is making a great song and dance about the upcoming CHOGM but is CHOGM such a big deal? These are just speech-fests which allow self important PMs and heads of states to periodically journey to exotic places, enjoy the delights that the host nations so gladly lay before them, make some pious declarations, renew their commitment to the ‘commonwealth values’ – something as vague and incomprehensible as the oft quoted Bandaranaike policies (no-one, including SWRD, knew what they were), eat and drink well and return to their home countries thinking ‘that was not a bad little trip’ and to look forward to the next outing. And, so, it will go on.

    CHOGM 2013 will be no different. Of course, MR and his hangers on will congratulate themselves on what a wonderful job they did and of how well they impressed the foreign heads of state and their delegations, never mind that the rest of the world will not care two pence about the whole thing.

    Aiyo!

  • 0
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    There is a Sinhala saying, ‘Kuumbiata Huje Gangaawak’!The real speech would make the world to laugh.

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