Dear all,

I want to welcome all distinguished guests of the commonwealth to Sri Lanka- ‘the land like no other ‘

Let me first introduce the government delegation at this most important sessions. On my right is Mr Mervyn Silva- The minister of Public Relations. He is the best for this post as he has tied humans to trees in addition to hundreds of similar inhumane, uncivilised activities. He recently brought honour to Lanka by proposing to Mrs Navi Pillai, the UN human rights commissioner. We also have Mr Duminda Silva- the minister supervising defence who was accused of rape, drug connections and later shot and killed  one of my presidential advisors. We have made sure that he remains an MP to serve the public. The next is Minister  Yapa- who’s brilliance of reading, interpreting , digesting and concluding on more than 1000 pages of complex evidence in an 12 hour period overnight to confirm the guilty verdict on our previous chief justice. Then we have Mr Rambukwella- the Media Minister who has got a family trait of antics at higher levels when he jumped from a balcony of a hotel in Australia. Other supportive government delegation consist of the Provincial council chairman  in Tangalle who killed a British tourist, Nuwara Eliya-deputy Mayor- accused of paedophilia, Deraniyagala counsellor who is the Noori killer  and many provincial councillors of my party  who have been accused of rape, murders, thuggary and other criminal activities. Finally we have my friend and supporter Mr Julampitiye Amare who killed 2 while having only 95 arrest warrants !!

Sri Lanka is doing very well in all parameters. One good example is my family’s wealth  and though I would like  to list  it will take the whole day. Similarly if you look at my mega cabinet,  all are have luxury houses, many cars, own hotels and businesses since we came in to power.  Truly remarkable achievement and a sign of prosperity. Another similar example is that in the budget we made luxury cars like Lambourgini duty free to help citizens of Lanka. But we inceased the duty of trishaws, tractors etc as we want our citizens to use Lambourgini’s.

The development is rapid. We built a harbour which had 3 grand openings by me is doing well despite no big ships can come due to a rock which was known way back  in 1991. We built the 2nd international airport costing Rs 40 billion of peoples’ money  where only birds try to land. People say that this amount of money could have been used for people’s health, education, food etc but we need such big structures though a public toilet there would have been better used. We unfortunately lost the bid to host commonwealth games which would have cost only ½ of nations’ income but we will try again. The brand new cricket stadium in a deserted corner of Lanka bankrupted Sri Lanka cricket with no money to the players is commendable. We feel that even simple logic is not important.

We are managing our economy extremely well. Our government institutions have lost only Rs 200 billion confirming the efficiency of my appointees and all of them are doing very well. Additionally we have paid many world institutions of billions of rupees of peoples’ money for Greek bonds disaster, oil headging disaster etc. which we are proud of and we feel that no one is responsible for them.

We have had an industrial revolution. The multibillion Norochchalai Power plant which is brand new, is functioning despite it breaking down every month. As you know even a brand new fridge will have at least a 5 year guarantee for parts !

We pride ourselves in maintaining Law and Order. Some of our security forces who destroyed the lethal LTTE is now filling the vacuum of the LTTE with white van abductions, kidnapping, randomly shooting at civilians like recent Weliveriya incident, deliver justice by storming and killing prisoners or killing them when they try to jump off the vehicles. We do not want  to arrest a single  thug who may be standing few feet away with poles ready to attack citizens attending rallies of our opponents. Our Law and Order efficiency is unbeatable. No high profile murder, kidnapping, rape etc suspects are caught and brought to justice or justice happens so slowly that it is almost non-existent. Our police high ups are truly remarkable in spinning stories of various thefts including antique, crimes etc  or doing contract criminal activities.

We take bribery and corruption extremely seriously. We even have our Ex Chief Justice on such charges as she has not disclosed bank accounts of zero deposits but we feel that none of my closest, my cabinet and local party members who may be 1000 times worse have no case to answer. If the securities exchange (SEC) directors detect of wrong doing of others causing losing billions of revenue to the country, we replace them.

We take justice very seriously. For example we imprisoned our army commander for saving the nation while not only we see any crime of previous terrorist leader Mr KP  but also provide him all comforts and luxuries in life.

Hence our policies are basically evolves on me, my family and  us  but not around the 20 million citizens of Lanka.

We promote crime, have zero public standards, no shame, reward criminals, do not recognise  human values such as sincerity/ honesty, Laws are changed to suit us only, punish all who do proper service and duty to Sri Lanka,

Friends, these are our standards of the commonwealth when we lead them over the next 2 years. No doubt you will be proud of our record and we seek to transform the commonwealth with our policies.

By nature, human beings have the capacity to achieve the most challenging and noble goals in life, through strong commitment and dedication. I am confident that, by our own collective efforts these results would prove to be beneficial to all humanity. As Buddha, the Enlightened One said,

“Atta hi attano natho”

“Oneself is one’s own benefactor”

Let these timeless words of wisdom guide the destiny of the world.

May the Noble Triple Gem Bless you all.

තෙරුවන් සරණයි

Thank you.

*The speech writer wish to remain anonymous