By Sudat Pasqual – 

Sudat Pasqual

What follows is based on the assumption that the Cabinet of Sri Lanka, in spite of itself, does act in a manner that benefits the country sometimes. The following also assumes that at least a few members of the same Cabinet have a sense of humor.  Takes a lot to have that kind of faith, but what the heck. This would be the first segment of a four segment collection. The next one will deal with the contestants, the judges, team members and the referee. The third will be solely dedicated to the battle and the last episode will deal with the result and the consequences for the losers and will also provide a survival guide to get out of the country/planet.

After close scrutiny of a study undertaken by the Russian think tank, Democracy is for Pussies, brought forward by the Monitoring MP for Creative Political Solutions, the government has decided that it would be better if they replaced the presidential election with a one on one brawl where the 2 candidates beat each other till one is unable to continue. Like the good olden times when men were men and everything else were nervous wrecks. There are some obvious advantages for such a switch. The most obvious  being that the President was a street brawler who always carried a fully loaded automatic to any fist fight and will not have great difficulty beating/shooting the most likely rival to pulp.  Come on, we all know the other guy is a wuz; a mama’s boy; a namby pamby. Batalanda was long, long time ago. More importantly, a fist fight would cost $ 3 billion less than an election. That meant, there was $3 billion more to be wasted and stolen. Really, in a one on one fight, there are less than a dozen individuals to be bought over. In an election; shiiiiite, there are thousands of wankers who have to be paid, cajoled, threatened and sent to massage parlors.

More importantly the beetle leafers would be able to, with a straight face, tell the Helayas, the Bauddhayas and the Red Buggers that the country will be saving billions. All those gamarala buggers care about is accountability, transparency and getting the best bang for the public buck. Good Lord, those naïve turnip-heads. What will they come up with next, the budget must be balanced?? Ha, ha.

The Cabinet confirmed the change unanimously. The Cabinet also decided that the event will be sponsored by the private sector, thereby saving the tax payer even more money. More importantly, it would make more money available to be stolen by the MP’s. How cool is that. The venue will be the Lotus Hole, but for this event it will be called the Maaraka Hila. It also took the decision to dedicate 25% of the seating to invitees from a wide swatch of society.

The event will be sponsored by Sudu Dumiya, the sole distributor of Afghan Brown; the best powdered nose candy in the world and Merv the Perv’s Dankotuwa  Silver; the Platinum standard of Kasiya; no hunas, katussas and gus gembas in our Kasiya because we filter our Kasiya only through  Rosy the Nosey’s used but never abused silk stockings.

Exclusive TV rights for the event has been bestowed on Karlton Loku Baba Network; the only network with the right connections.

The independent media will be represented by Ravaya; the only rag sheet in the country edited by a munitions expert.

The dependent and totally subservient media will be represented by the Daily Noise Publications whose motto is; “we could’ve taught Goebbles a thing or 2″

They will get 10 individual invitations as opposed to one for all others.

Up and coming thugs will be represented by Nalaka, Malaka and Thatta Sajja the founders of the political action committee, Thuggery is Political Juggery and winning is the only thing

Western lackeys will be represented by Dr.Paikota Matta, the founder of The Centre for Brain-Dead Alternatives and how to bilk your donors over and over

The political wing of the LTTE will be represented by the Norwegian ambassador and the military wing of the LTTE by the sewer rat sitting on Norwegian ambassador’s head.

The UN election monitoring mission will be represented by 100 miniature Range Rover replicas, a blank signed check drawn from HSBC New York branch, a case of Single Malt Scotch, carry out containers from the Ministry of Crab and a bucket of campaign stickers with the slogan; “3 Terms No Good/No More Terms Very Good”

The pseudo-academia will be represented by the author of “Ho; the man with tunnel vision”, Dr.DJ the Pincer

Muslim women will be represented by a giant bowl of chicken buriyani “Drama Queen” Sally and “Up yours Ravi K” Muza will represent Colombo Muslims. All other Muslims will be represented by the man holding the sign; “We want our pound of flesh and it must be halal”.

All other women to be represented by the trade union lady on a bicycle from Thimba and the lady at the passport office who told me that she needed me to buy her a Rs.300 lunch, which I did. Names are unknown (these two will not meet my wife or children).

Colombo and Kandy youth to be represented by McDonald’s Quarter Pounder with cheese.

All other youth will be represented by a vase filled frangipani flowers.

Jaffna Tamils will have a placard that asks; “Are we chopped liver?”

Upcountry Tamils to be represented by a cardboard cut-out of the real Thonda.

Sinhala Buddhists to be represented by a man with a bow and arrow, Ata koutu hamuthuruwo from Parliament and Panchen Lama.

The native Veddah community will not be represented because the leadership is too nice and naïve to be trusted. The President will offer them public housing in Mahiyangana town after the election and confiscate all their ancestral land. More for us; ya, ya, ya.

Man in the “Real lumprais has pork” t-shirt will be from the Burgher community.

Nobody except the Cabinet will know who the person wearing the t-shirt that asks the questions, “Kosher, F-18’s anyone?” is.

Security for the event is provided by Gota’s Army,Navy,Air Force and sometimes STF but never the Police, Inc.

*Sudat Pasqual aka Passa. Youngest Sri Lankan to represent the country at a cricket World Cup (1979/17 yrs). Holds Bachelor of Arts and Master of Arts degrees in Political Science from US.